Panic!!!

I can feel it instantly, this cold feeling spreading through my body, like i'm freezing from the inside out.  I begin to sweat, cause the outside of my body is warm despite how i feel inside.  I look down to see my hands are shaking as I feel my insides begin to seize and my body feels like it weighs a million pounds.  I can barely move but my heart is racing so hard I can feel my neck jumping and its steady whoomp whoomp filling my ears.  The room is spinning, each breath bursts from me and the air somehow seems to have gotten thicker, its so hard to breathe.  Am i dying?  is this a heart attack brought on suddenly?  Should seek out help?.  Panic grips me and I lean back in my chair and close my eyes "its just another panic attack" I tell myself and within mins my heart slows back to normal, my body feels like its mine again and I can continue playing with my son.

That's how life is for me, no great and sudden stress, no haunting moment of extreme fear, I was simply playing with my son when my body was seized by panic even tho my mind knew nothing was wrong with my current situation.  Its been this way my whole life, I remember having my first panic attack at 5 and they have only grown steadily stronger as I've aged.  I hate every second of it, I hate that my body doesn't feel like its my own, I hate that I know nothing is wrong but can't help the panic and dread I fear.  Its debilitating sometimes, embarrassing at others, and a constant mystery as to what will bring it on one second to another. It leaves me misunderstood sometimes, thought of as over dramatic at others, and to some ......weak.

Data from a Canadian Community  Health surrey estimated that 3.7% of the population in 2002 , aged 15 and older suffered from some form of panic disorder (man is disorder the correct word cause that is EXACTLY what your body feels like its in) among woman the the rate was 4.6 (take from http://www.statcan.gc.ca/daily-quotidien/041129/dq041129b-eng.htm).  The good news is I'm not alone......the bad news.......panic disorders are still so misunderstood.

One day at work my little alarm rang on my phone.  I made my way over to my purse, took out my pill case and reached for my water to find my fellow employee looking at me.  She asked what I was taking not thinking I had anything to be ashamed of I answered her question

"its an anti-depressant" I said.  She looked at me slightly confused and said "but you seem so happy"

I am happy, and thanks to my medication, yoga, some breathing exercises and alot of self coaching my panic attacks are coming few and farther between, but they aren't gone.  I know tomorrow I could be having the best day of my life, walk outside and seize in panic over nothing.

So here are my last thoughts to those with panic attacks and those without.  To those with, see your doctor, breathe, as scary as it seems in that moment it will be ok in time.  Find someone who understands and talk, its done me a world of good just to feel understood.

To those without, chances are you know someone suffering, so from someone who knows keep this in mind:

Remember that thoughts and behaviors due to anxiety disorders are NOT personality traits!!!!!

Our fear may seem unrealistic to you, but it feels VERY REAL to us.  Remember a time you yourself have felt real fear and you may be able to empathize with how we are feeling during an attack.

.  People naturally want to help a loved one by taking care of everyday tasks but this can leave us feeling even more crippled by our attack

Be patient, we need to be with our bodies till the panic attack subsides so be so with us.



My love and prayers to you all....................I'm going back to playing with my son!